I assume a lot of it is
With unplanned pregnancy I am guessing lots of women feel this way. This way meaning:
- Guilty
- Stressed
- Inadequate
- Sad
- Out of Control
These feelings make you inadequate to be a good mother right? You feel all of these negative emotions about these gifts you've been given. People keep saying they are excited and happy and they run the gamut of happy human emotion, so why am I not allowing myself to totally jump into this joy? I want to. I just haven't been letting myself.
I haven't been letting my inner self experience these happy emotions because I know what my body has done is going to cause extreme change, stress, and even hardship on myself and my husband. Because this wasn't the plan. Because I don't know if I can be trusted to handle three lives and guide and steer their paths towards their Creator.
BUT before you click the back button and leave this blog because things just got real weird ...wait.
After allowing myself to feel these emotions and think and pray and talk, I look back at the list of the feels I am feeling and realize that these things though negative are refining me, shaping me. This is where I am at the moment and that's ok, because I know that my God is with me in all things and that He has a plan for redemption. These feelings are real, but He is too and I am already experiencing that redemptive love. God has called me loved, and I will walk accordingly.
My husband said something the other day during a breakdown cry session (which he is so patient in btw). He said, "Well I'm happy, why wouldn't I be happy? You're bringing me children. Sure it might be hard but it will be a blessing eventually." And he's right. We are going to patiently wait on the Lord and the blessing that these three beings will bring.
AND when I truly stop and breathe and think and put my worry to rest the feelings I get are:
AND when I truly stop and breathe and think and put my worry to rest the feelings I get are:
- Loved and supported by my husband
- Loved and supported by our village
- Loved and supported by my God
...and that's a pretty good place to be.
Awesome Nikki! I totally understand your feelings - well, I can't say totally, can I? But I do understand the feelings of inadequacy. I felt the same way with my first two, because they too were "unplanned". Unplanned by us, but certainly planned by our awesome God! And they were certainly not unwanted. If I had waited until I thought I was ready, I probably would have never had children. I was especially struck by your comment about not being trustworthy to mother these three. God is totally in control and planned this, even if you and Travis did not. He can be trusted in all things and therefore, He knows that you can handle this, but you will have to totally trust in Him, which is what He wants from all of us. Keep blogging! I love following your journey so I can know how best to help. Love to you both! Aunt Tammy
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